Welcome to my blog, thanks for stopping by.
A little about the name and the reason for my blog:
It takes a tragedy (or two) for most people to realize just how fleeting life and happiness are. I am no exception. Three years ago I was in the midst of a nervous breakdown. The pit in my stomach started the moment I woke up and realized I had to go into work and didn't dissipate until sometime Saturday afternoon (that is the Saturdays I was not working, which were few and far between). Then, one of my friends who was two years younger than me passed away suddenly and I thought to myself, if that happened to me I would have lived the last decade of my life in misery. I quit my soul sucking IT job three weeks later.
One year later my sister was diagnosed with early-onset dementia and two people I went to High School with were diagnosed with cancer. That was my realization that life goes by in the blink of an eye and I was determined to live my life. I resolved to follow my passions. My three main passions are writing, traveling and photography. This blog will be my repository for those passions.
Glad to have you along on my journey ... Don't Blink
Blink of an Eye - Travel Stories and Photography
Friday, May 19, 2023
Monday, May 1, 2023
Fear of Flying
I have always been a nervous person. Exacerbated by a long illness and stressful job, I developed a pretty sever panic disorder in my 20's. Until that time I was never a great flyer but I would do it without too much trouble. I was really only scared at takeoff and turbulence, until I flew through a tornado in
central Florida. About 25 minutes into a very bumpy flight the pilot came on
the loudspeaker and said, “Flight crew on the ground.” The flight crew dropped
to the ground and lay down in the aisle. As soon as they did, the plane started
rolling and dropping so far, that if I didn’t have my seatbelt on I would have
hit my head on the ceiling. This didn’t last more than 30 seconds but in my
mind it was at least 30 minutes. We then flew another 2 hours back to Chicago
in thunderstorms. I was curled up in fetal position crying for most of it. I
tried to fly a few times after that, but I now had PTSD from that flight, couple with the panic disorder. The panic attacks
started a month before I flew and continued during vacation as I anticipated
the flight back. Eventually I decided it just wasn’t worth the misery and spent
the next 25 years crisscrossing the country on Amtrak.
3 years ago, coming close to a nervous breakdown, I
quit corporate America. The panic disorder I had had for the last 25 years was
suddenly gone, literally overnight. Surprise! I can not begin to describe the freedom and joy that comes from not having the constant fear and panic you've known you're whole adult life.
To celebrate my father’s eightieth birthday we
decided to take a family trip, an Alaskan cruise. In my usual fashion, I booked
my cross-country Amtrak sleeper car from Chicago to Seattle, where I had to
arrive 2 days early to make sure I was there in time to catch the train with my
family for Vancouver. Amtrak is notorious for being up to a day late on their
cross-country routes. There was no end to the grief my family gave me for not
flying.
Boosted by my newfound lack of anxiety and a
plethora of Xanax in my pocket, I decided to bite the bullet and fly. You’re
probably thinking I flew back on a jet to Chicago. You would be wrong. I, in my
ultimate wisdom, decided that the first flight I was going to take in 25 years
would be a 6-seat floatplane into the middle of Misty Fjords national park.
Although terrifying, it was the most amazing thing I had done in my life up to
that point.
Yes I was as scared as I looked. At one point the pilot said "I think I see something down there, lets go take a look."
I shouted, "Let's not!"
But that did teach me that I could get over my fears. The world was now mine. All the places I had been dreaming about going to for the last 25 years, I now could.
Friday, June 22, 2018
The Boom Boom boat
“Seriously?” I exclaimed upon opening the envelope
left on the desk by our cabin steward.
“What?” my friend and cabin-mate Ann asked.
“They are asking for our height, weight and shoe
size for snorkeling in Corsica. There were no weight restrictions in the
excursion description. Even better, they want it in centimeters, kilograms and
European shoe size.”
“I’m sure they just need to have the correct
equipment waiting for us,” Ann replied, unusually optimistic for her.
“What did we do before smart phones?” I chirped,
doing a search on pound to kilogram conversion.
The port in Corsica was packed with people. Though
we were the only large cruise ship in the port, there was excursion stands set
up everywhere. We took the three-block walk into the town square to have lunch
before our snorkeling trip. The town was filled with the most incredible
farmer’s market I’ve ever been in. Spanish olives in every shape, size and hue
packed brightly colored carts. Meats, cheeses and produce rounded out the
cornucopia. I purchased a half-kilogram of my favorite olives and we sat down
to enjoy a crusty sandwich and people watch.
Most of the excursion stands were gone or
unoccupied when we returned back to the dock. It took much asking around in
broken French to figure out which small piece of fence we needed to be lined up
by.
A slight, very tanned women in her late-sixties
wearing a wetsuit halfway pulled down to her waist approached us with a
clipboard. When she was satisfied that everyone was accounted for, we took the
long walk to the other side of the port.
Once there they commenced handing out wetsuits and flippers.
I looked at the black piece of neoprene in
disbelief. I wasn’t going to squeeze into that if my life depended on it. After several attempts, I finally called the
attention of our tour guide, who was busy helping everyone, including my friend
into their suits.
“This is not going to fit me,” I told her. This
elicited a litany of French, none of which I understood.
“Voila,” a man exited the tiny shack with what
looked like Andre the Giant’s wetsuit. It was a full suit, long sleeves and
pants and at least 6’5” long.
I shook my head and tears filled my eyes.
“They knew my height and weight, if I was too fat
to snorkel why didn’t they tell me instead of humiliating me like this?” I
asked my friend, who had just finished squeezing into her suit.
The cute athletic girl next to me tried to comfort
me, although sweet, just made me feel even worse.
The tour operator was at a loss. Between my broken
French and her broken English I finally figured out that the wetsuits were not
for the cold, but for buoyancy.
“Can’t I just wear a life preserver?” I asked.
“Ah, oui,” she sung and disappeared into the
little shack and reemerged with this giant orange half circle, which I stuck
around my waist making me look like a child at the pool with a big floatie
around their waist.
As we approached the dock we pass nice power boat
after power boat until we came to what I now know is called a hard bottom
inflatable. Just like it sounds, it’s an inflatable boat with no seats, just a
floor. You sit on the sides of the boat and hang on to a rope that runs along
the top.
(I did not take this picture, found it on google for reference)
“Anyone who get sea sick stay in the back,” our
tour guide instructed. This should have been my first clue. My friend, who is
prone to seasickness sat at the back of the boat next to the pilot and held on
to the metal stairs. I sat on the other side of the stairs, as close as I could
get to them with this big orange piece of foam around my waist.
All was fine and dandy until we left the harbor
and were out in open water. The boat would hit one of the five-foot swells, go
airborne and then hit the water with an incredible force, bouncing us in the
air, one rope the only thing stopping us from being tossed into the sea. The
boat sped up and the waves came at us faster and faster until there was only a
few second break between crashes. I gripped the rope as tight as possible, even
though with every crash my knuckle scraped the rubber. Boom… Boom… Boom… Boom...
“How long is the ride?” one of the passengers
asked.
“40 minutes,” our guide answered.
I looked around. Some faces registered fear, some
annoyance, one poor girl in her early twenties was already green, sitting on
the floor, a baseball cap pulled over her head, her younger sister trying to
comfort her. I was feeling something
between fear and annoyance.
“There’s something wrong with the boat,” my friend
half-whispered, half-yelled over the sounds of the engine and ocean.
Our pilot, who was probably in his seventies, was
pushing buttons and pulling levers while our tour guide was on her cell phone,
presumably trying to figure out what was wrong with the boat and when or if
they could get a replacement out there. The engine cut out and we were bobbing
up and down in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea. My annoyance/fear ratio
suddenly shifted all the way to the fear side. What if a storm came up? What if
there was a rogue wave? What if they didn’t have another ship? We were almost a
half hour from shore. And what about this poor girl who I was sure was going to
be heaving over the side any moment.
After bobbing around for 20 or so minutes it was a
discovered that the 9-year-old boy that had been crawling around the floor of
the boat, actually messed with one of the switches on the engine and that was
why we stopped. With great relief they put whatever switch it was back in its
correct position, turned the key and the engine came back to life.
Another 15 minutes of BoomBoom and we made it to
the spot and weighed anchor. When I jumped into the salt water the knuckle that
had been rubbed raw scraping on the boat, stung so bad I never noticed how cold
the water was. I tooled around, my GroPro pointed towards the cool reefs, rock
formations and what few fish were out there.
Soon it was time to climb in the boom boom boat and head back.
The trip back, although hard on the finger and the
nerves was uneventful. I loved the actual snorkeling part. If I would have
known what I’d have to go through, not to mention the humiliation for no apparent
reason, I’m not sure I would have done it. But it was an experience and I’m
always grateful for new experiences.
Thursday, May 3, 2018
Mexico
I looked at the
name on the caller ID and my stomach tightened.
“I’m so sorry, I
wasn’t supposed to call you,” my sister’s caregiver was out of sorts.
I glance at the
boarding time on the gate desk 7:00 am, and then at the time on my phone.
“That’s okay, I have a half hour before my flight boards, what happened?”
“Your sister fell
in the shower and I can’t get her up. She stood up to rinse herself off, she
said she was dizzy and then she went down.”
“Shit,” I said. My
friend next to me asked me what was going on. I mouthed, “My sister.”
My mind jumped into
crisis mode. Was she going to be okay? Should I get on the plane? Should I call
my parents? Should I call a friend to help the caregiver get her up?
“Is she hurt? Is
she conscience?”
“She’s alert, but
I think she bruised her knee and she won’t help at all when I try to get her
up.”
“Hang up with me
and call the paramedics. They may not need to take her to the hospital, but you
are going to need them to help you get her up. I’ll call you back in a few
minutes.”
I hang up the
phone and dial my mother. I was so meticulous making sure everything was in
place for every contingency. I had a phone tree for the caregivers to call if
there was an issue. I was sixth on that list.
“I’m handling it,”
my mother said by way of greeting.
“Should I stay
home?” The pit in my told me I should stay, but if I stayed home not only would
I ruin my vacation, but the vacation of the friend I was traveling with.
“No. go. She’s
okay, enjoy your vacation.”
I pushed back the
feeling of impending crisis and got on the plane. I purchased the Wi-Fi so that
at least I could be in contact while in the air.
For those who have
not read my first blog, my sister has a rare form of early onset dementia
called frontal-temporal-dementia or FTD. I am her primary caregiver.
I did receive
texts while in the air.
“They took the
shower door off.”
“She’s out of the
bathroom, paramedics checked her out.”
“She’s in bed
sleeping.”
She didn’t go to
the hospital, at least that was something. I put on a movie and tried to relax
on the last 2 and a half hours of the flight.
The
Cancun airport was chaotic. There were lines of tourist booths crisscrossing
the building just as we exited customs. All we wanted was a cab to our hotel,
and one of the guides shuffled us from booth to booth until we got to the right
one. We paid in advance for round trip, which I didn’t really like, but no one
was doing one-way trips.
I was still tense
from the drama before we left, not to mention the whopping three hours of sleep
I got the night before. Despite that I felt great pleasure walking out into the
humidity and heat. I had been in the single digits when we left Chicago.
Our hotel, the
Golden Purnassus, was about as I expected, needed modernizing but nice. For
some reason, I was expecting it to be like it was in Jamaica with everyone
aggressively trying to either sell you something or braid your hair. We didn’t
run into that in Cancun. For the most part everyone was very nice and helpful
and though there were people selling hats, sunglasses, shot glasses, seashells
and yes hair braiding on the beach, they were by no means aggressive and
politely took no thank you for an answer.
The first thing
they did when we walked in was put a drink in our hand and seat us on a couch.
A while later someone came over to us to check us in and give us a wrist band
and literature on where to get what in the hotel. I had asked for the third
floor, as was suggested by every review, but they put us on the second. I could
see why people suggested that. The huge open lobby, loud and bustling with
people, was open to the second floor. We were going to hear everything. I tried
to talk to the woman behind the desk, but being Christmas week, my pleas fell
on deaf ears.
Our first order of
business after we settle in was to have lunch at the buffet and then head out
to the beach. I had called home twice since we landed and everything seemed to
be going okay. The shower door would have to be addressed at some point, but
for now I could let it go. She was sleeping, as far as I knew crisis was over
and I could answer the call of sunshine and waves.
Before we came
down, I had checked to see if we could snorkel off the beach. When I went
outside I knew the answer was no. Although the water was crystal blue, the
waves were big enough to surf on, and there were plenty of people body surfing
and boogie boarding, but no one was actually surfing. Part of the reason I had
chosen this resort was for the prominently displayed beach beds in all the
marketing material. The beach beds were there, but they were all empty and had
a tacky handwritten sign hanging from one of the posts that said $80. That was
not worth it to me, and obviously everyone one else, because they remained
empty the entire week we were there. I commented, probably way too many times,
to my friend that if they dropped the price to $25 they would probably have
rented them and at least made some money off them.
Dinner was an
adventure. We were very excited to see how the food in our all-inclusive resort
was. I was floored to find out that despite having six restaurants, and being
in Mexico, there was nowhere in the resort to get Mexican food. With the help
of our concierge, who I had a bit of a crush on, we went out to eat for dinner
most of the rest of the trip and the food was wonderful.
One evening on the
way back on the bus from dinner 3 guitar players got on the bus. We were all
having a great time as they were playing, and everyone was singing. I looked to
my left out the window and next to us was a jeep with a flatbed on it. The
flatbed had a mounted machine gun a Federale wearing a black mask standing next
to it. I knew that there had been some issues with the cartels on the other
side of the hotel zone, but the juxtaposition of the singing bus and the scary
guy next to it with a machine gun was very disturbing.
On day three of
our trip, we booked an excursion to Chichen Itza. It was a very long bus ride.
We stopped for lunch at this small area to watch women make tortillas, eat very
mediocre buffet food and get ripped off at a souvenir store. If you go on this
excursion, never buy at the store the bus takes you to. There are venders lined
up, hundreds of them, at Chichen Itza and you can barter with them and get the
same stuff, or even better quality for a lot less.
If you didn’t
know, Chichen Itza is an ancient Mayan community with the famous temple “El
Castillo” built to worship the serpent got Kulcucan. During the solstice El
Castillo was built in such a way that the light would make it look like a serpent
was slithering down the sides.
and several other
buildings. Thousands of Mayans worshiped here. The structures are amazing,
especially when you consider when they were built. Our guide was fantastic,
explaining the types of activities that went on there and demonstrating the
echo effect of clapping directly in front of El Castillo and the sound bouncing
off the 98 steps at different times causing a bird chirping sound to come back
at you. People used to be able to climb El Castillo and go inside, but thanks
to stupid ignorant Americans who were defacing it, taking pieces of it for
souvenirs and even urinating in the inside prayer rooms, it is no longer
permitted. This was a huge disappointment to me.
There is also a
ball court where they would play Pok-a-tok. The players would have to get a ball
20 feet in the air and through a small hoop using nothing but their feet and
hips. The captain of the winning team would then be sacrificed to Kulcacan. I
was so inspired by this I’ve begun to right a short story, or possibly a
novella about a ball player.
When we finished
with the guide and were left on our own, I decided to go see the oldest known
astrological observatory. Unfortunately, either my map reading skills left
something to be desired or their maps did. I never found it. I did however buy
way too many souvenirs.
On the bus ride
back, I received a phone call that my sister was in the hospital. A main
component of her form of dementia is an extreme apathy. My 18-year-old
goddaughter was taking care of my sister and my sister went into the bath room
and after 2 hours of trying to coax her off the toilet she finally called the
paramedics for the second time in two days. This time they admitted her. She
was so dehydrated she was in kidney failure for the third time. Sometimes if
someone doesn’t prompt her she simply doesn’t drink for days at a time.
My unbelievably
mature goddaughter was with her for 28 hours. Arranged for her mother, my best
friend, to get power of attorney. She sent me a picture of the two of them in
my sister’s hospital bed. It was a very sweet picture of my goddaughter kissing
my sister, but all I saw was my sister’s empty eyes.
The rest of the
bus was asleep and I was on the phone with the hospital and my parents. I told
my mother that I would fly home the next day. She told me that her and my
father already had plane tickets and I should enjoy my vacation. The guilt of
being on vacation while my octogenarian parents, one with rheumatoid arthritis,
flew into a Chicago winter. But they insisted. One thing that was abundantly
clear is that my sister could no longer live alone. We needed to get 24-hour
care for her. While I was on the bus, instead of sleeping like everyone else, I
spent an hour on the phone with my parents coming up with a game plan.
The next day was
surreal. I spend my day going between standing in an ocean gloriously playing
in the waves, to sitting on my beach chair calling doctors, hospitals, parents
and potential caregivers.
I needed a
distraction from everything, so we went for the evening to the permanent
installation of Cirque du Solier. If you every get a chance to go to this, do
it. It’s an hour and a half from Cancun in the middle of the Mayan jungle. The
structure fits in perfectly with the nature that surrounds it.
You get a tower of very yummy hors d'oeuvres and Champaign. The show
itself did not disappoint. It was about a grandfather who disappears and his
granddaughter searching for him. Besides the wonderful story and artwork, the
performers, acrobats, contortionists, where incredible.
The next day I
found out that they were releasing my sister from the hospital and sending her
to a nursing home. She probably needed to be in the nursing home with the
occupational therapists for at least a week, but thanks to our wonderful
healthcare system, her new insurance was not going to cover skilled nursing
facilities after December 31st, three days from now. Since I was
going onto Isla Mujeres island snorkeling the next day and out of
communication, we needed to get everything into place that day. With me
interviewing and my mother checking references, we settled on a full-time
caregiver. She was going to work the first 2 weeks while we found someone to
work weekends.
Isla was
beautiful. Calm, crystal blue waters. I found this dive shop with 14 thousand
reviews on trip advisor. We had booked a group snorkel trip. When we arrived at
the dive shop, we were pleased to discover that no one else had booked on our
tour and it was just us. We received our instruction and equipment. My friend
was very nervous and kept making the owner promise that nothing would happen to
her. Ultimately, she chickened out and was content to just hang out on the
boat. That left a guide all to myself. As per usual for me, the life vest
pushed itself up my ample chest and was trying to both choke me from the front
and shove my face into the water from behind. Life vests are required in Mexico
less for saving lives and more to prevent people from diving down and ruining
the reefs. My guide was wonderful enough to let me take my vest off and just
sling an arm through it. The rest of the experience was incredible. We saw
schools of brightly colored fish, some stingrays and barracudas. I loved every
minute of it.
Shopping on Isla
is great. If you want Mexican silver and not get ripped off, Isla is the place
to go. I picked up a silver and precious stone necklace for my goddaughter to
thank her for taking such good care of my sister. I also picked up a silver
necklace of the Mayan calendar for my friend that was taking care of my dogs.
Without the support I have from family and friends who might as well be family,
I don’t think I would make it.
Just when you
think it’s safe…
I woke up the day
of my flight back. I grabbed my shorts and top to go down to the buffet for
breakfast. I lift my leg to put it into the shorts and something in my back
popped. The pain is beyond excruciating. My friend knocks on my door and I
hobble, half -dressed, to open it. I’m sobbing. After taking a handful of
Advil, we found a chair that I could tolerate, and she went down to find out
about a doctor and to grab us some food. When she got back upstairs I was still
unable to move. Like my knight in shining armor, she packed my suitcase and
helped me get into my clothes. We found out that if we wanted to see the
doctor, it would be 2 hours and $150 and he probably couldn’t do anything for
me.
My poor friend had
to carry my backpack and purse as well as her own. We did get a wheel chair in
both airports which made it easier. The flight back was not too bad. I tried to
stand as much as possible, so as not to stiffen up. The Lyft home, we went to
my house first, so she could help me inside with my luggage, and then she went
home.
The next day, I
hobbled to the nursing home to visit my sister and my parents. She was looking
better, but mentally you could tell she’d declined. After visiting my family, I
went to the chiropractor. Turns out your back is not a fan of standing for
hours in pounding waves. He diagnosed me with a sprained back and said that he
couldn’t do anything, it was just going to have to heal on its own.
Three months later
and my back is finally healed enough to where I can work out. The caregiver
situation is finally stable … for now.
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